dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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