nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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