i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
