You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
