Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
