Joe is yelling at the trees again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
