he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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