just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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