I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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