I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize