Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
