Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
