Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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