And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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