my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
All I want is dick and wine.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
