I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
