Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
whose ass print is on the piano?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
