I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
