why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
