She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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