Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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