Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
