i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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