I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
