So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
