I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
