YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize