Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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