At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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