Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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