well I can't set my house on fire every night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
