ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
