Cold hands, warm shart.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Couch. On fire.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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