I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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