I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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