I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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