I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
