Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
