Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
