he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
