I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
