I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He did a backflip because drugs
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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