I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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