My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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