how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
