On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You took a bar mat shot.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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