Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
