Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
