he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
