I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Two words: blizzard sex
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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