I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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