I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
