i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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