Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
