while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
