i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
