I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize