its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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