Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize