Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
