I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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