I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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