I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
