Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
