she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
