I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
