I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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