It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
