He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
