Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You may now shotgun with the bride
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
