Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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