I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize