If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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