we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
