I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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